AN OPEN LETTER TO BISHOP PILLA

BY JOHN R. O'CONNOR

Dear Bishop Pilla,

I write this letter to say goodbye to you as my shepherd, and to Roman Catholicism as my faith community. It is a letter expressing anger, but also one written with intense sadness. I desire no reply--only that you read, think, and pray over it. I challenge you to listen with your heart, for the Spirit just might speak you through my one voice.

My experience as a gay Catholic was not dissimilar from that of many other "good" Catholic boys and girls. I was a fortunate recipient of Catholicism's best qualities in my formation as a person, as well as

victim of its worst. In regard to the psychologically debilitating effects of guilt in healthy sexual development, I need not repeat that on which volumes have been written. You must be aware of how much harder it was for those of us who, early on, sensed an "unspeakable difference" about ourselves. I was so repressed regarding sexuality in general (and mine in particular), that I did not consciously acknowledge my feelings until I was around twenty. In my early to middle twenties, I tried to lose my "self" (as many spiritualities like to call it) in a great deal of volunteer activity within your Diocese. This eventually led me to the ultimate gesture of "selflessness" in Roman Catholicism. I entered a Religious Order. With the highest altruistic motives, I believed all of these gestures to be calls from God. However, I was also seeking affirmation, belonging,

love, and purpose (existentially speaking, "meaning"). In retrospect, my choices were ultimately not free, for I saw no other viable alternative for my life at that time. As an artist, I found community life more and more confining to my personality. I came to believe that the price I would have to pay for existential security would be to kill a part of myself. After three years, I left the Order.

Celibacy (not always_chastity) was quite easy for me within the close interpersonal support of community life. Of course, I was still a virgin. After leaving, I found the loneliness and need to be with another overwhelming. I had my first sexual experience at the age of thirty. Due to my inexperience and poor choice, it was not the most affirming experience. However, it was a powerful experience of confirmation. I felt a wholeness and rightness about my orientation. In my process of coming out, f went through all of the trauma that most gays experience during that right of passage. As self-esteem grew, I came to know myself ás á good man with solid principles. I came to love

myself (in the healthiest sense), and to know God's love for me. Also, I found that my sexuality was most satisfactorily experienced as an expression of true love and caring for another. "Gay Life Style," I realized, was something that I could define. It didn't have bars, or bushes). Since to be the three B's (baths, that time, my goal has been to move toward the integration of my personality.

Catholic schools. We all know the conditions under which that teacher lost his life about a year ago. He had done everything that the Church and society (of his time) wished him to do. He married a woman, lived in a closet, and hid his double life. The closet killed him as much as his human needs, and the actions of homophobic delinquents.

Cardinal O'Connor of New York (a man who unfortunate-

I would like to remind you of the fate of another wellbeloved teacher in your Catholic schools.... The closet killed him as much as his human needs, and the actions of homophobic delinquents."

I remained within the Roman Church for several years, belonging to both St. Malachi's and the Dignity communities. I thought several times of becoming more involved in Dignity. Yet the hypocrisy of it all held me back. I speak of the hypocrisy within the Church, as well as within Dignity. Dignity works to build an international

political structure, under the illusion that the Roman Church is democratic and open to lobbying. I was frustrated by the lack of priests (other than "our own") who would minister to us. What a timid and fearful clergy you have! Some priests that I came to know needed a considerable degree of integration in their own lives. I was saddened to find that our chaplain was only "unofficially" appointed by the Bishop. The prevailing fear in the group's leadership is that if they rock the boat too much, they'll lose their spiritual leader. I was disgusted to hear that after much "careful dialogue, 'our" Bishop might agree to say mass for us as long as it was not publicized." ask you, Bishop, is that pastoral diplomacy, or condescending hypocrisy?

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My final attempt to see credibility in Dignity was to approach involvement in its Committee for Peace and Justice. After two meetings with that timid group, I realized that I was no longer able to believe in hope for gay Catholics. I did not have the emotional energy to pursue what I knew was a hopeless cause. It was then that I opted to find nurturance in a more hospitable Christian household. friend of mine decided to stand in with the struggle. I don't know whether Bob Navis was more courageous or more foolish, than I. I do regret his awakening to a loss of hope, and betrayal of friends. I feel his pain. However, I could have predicted it (as well as any other gay person). Dignity and Roman Catholicism have lost further credibility in the gay community.

I would like to remind you of the fate of another wellbeloved teacher in your

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ly bears my name) actively works against the civil rights of gays in the work place. Everything that you Bishops (as Intitutional Church) do to deny that we are already here (in schools churches, on your pulpits) fosters the ghetto closet" mentality that does discriminate against and can kill us. Are you so blind as not to see that? Do you think that we are so blind as not to see your hypocrisy? know of the underbelly of Church life. We, too, can and have been scandalized by such realities. Yet, we try not to judge--for we know all too well what it is to be judged. The essential truth is that this "closet" in which gay people (priests religious, and laity) must reside, silently, has nothing to do with Christ or social justice. The "closet" is the cornerstone of the gay ghetto; its foudation is fear. We are talking about an unjust institution, then, in the world and in your city.

challenge you to think about "closets" and how they preserve and maintain institutional injustice. How does fear prevent_us from being fully human? Think about your own "closet" of thought, feelings, and fears. Is is not possible that you are held prisoner (and hold others prisoner) by the rigidity of your teachings, as were the pharisees of Christ's time?"

Perhaps Rome fears dialoging with its people the following questions that so deeply affect their lives: Is human sexuality's base denominator biological procreation, or the bonding of relationship? Can not a loving relationship bear life into the world in more ways than incarnating flesh? Is celibacy a special gift from God, or isn't it? Is chastity confined to the narrowness of sexual abstinence, or more essentially related to an "I's" fidelity in body and spirit (wholeness) to a "Thou? Surely, Christ did not answer all of these questions. However, He sent His Spirit among us to raise questions and reveal answers--when man was ready to be both His voice

and ears.

The gay people of god in community are now voicing the Spirit within them. It is a voice that has come out of our experience of faith lived in our life in the world. We "know" of what we speak! Our salvation as a people is in our developing mature, committed, and fully human (spiritual as well as physical) relationships. Those of us who are capable are courageously trying (with God's Grace) to channel our sexuality as an expression of a bond of love in a relationship with another human being (an honorable Christian endeavor). We have our hopes and our heartbreaks--perhaps more often than straight people experience them--but with no less joy and pain. We must battle ourselves (our fears of intimacy, fears of getting hurt). We must hold onto values that our own institutions within the gay community resist. Their livelihood resides in "the hunt and chase," not in "nesting." Against these great odds, we are trying to raise ourselves out of the disintegration of our bodies and spirits (functionally named promiscuity). You and the narrowness of your thought are working actively against us!

This long goodbye grew into an apologia and testament. It is not easy to close the chapter on 36 years of faith life. In that light, these four pages are not much. On the 9th of June, I was received into the Episcopal Church within the community of Trinity Cathedral. The Roman Church has some real growing to do in applying its own teachings on social justice to itself. The American Bishops' Pastoral on Social Justice still rings hollow in the ears of women and gays. I wish you Godspeed in this growth for the sake of my brothers and sisters, who still struggle to suckle the dry breast of Holy Mother Church. In closing, I ask that you read Psalm 43 sometime soon. It is a prayer for my people.

[The letter printed above was forwarded by its author

the Bishop of the Cleveland Catholic Diocese June 17. Within a week, Bishop Pilla responded with a personal letter. John wishes to note that the Bishop's response dealt primarily with the feeling content of his letter, specifically with his anger. The Bishop challenged John to consider the possibility that the standards by which he measured Roman Catholicism, Dignity, and certain individuals were too high. Refusing to "debate" the salient issues of the letter, the Bishop also refused to share his own personal beliefs regarding them. John says the tone of the Bishop's response conveyed a mixture of pastoral concern and paternalism.]